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Making Pie Crust
Dec. 26th, 2011 12:56 pmStep 1: The pie crust ingredients are simple: flour, fat, water. They cheerfully form an excellent sort of concrete when mixed together.
Step 2: The best fat is lard because it's solid at room temperature. DON'T USE IT. Also don't use those extremely convenient pre-made pie crusts from the store that contain hydrogenated lard. You're a vegetarian. Some poor cow's cellulite is right out as a pie ingredient. (Don't ask me why I said 'right out' instead of some American idiom that I can't think of at the moment. Oh. Maybe that's why.) Also, don't use Crisco which works better than lard; it's too corporate and you're too cheap.
Step 3: Dust the butter with the flour and dribble some ice water over it. You may not mix the ingredients together. Thus is concrete formed. Use very harsh language instead. When they spontaneously cringe into fetal balls, put them into the refrigerator.
Step 4: Create the filling. Use sweet, juicy fruit, the better to make the crust soggy. That way some of the crust will be edible in the event the rest forms into concrete.
Step 5: Roll the dough balls into pie sized circles. Find some way to do this in the refrigerator.
Step 6: Assemble the pie and bake it. You're done!
Hah! Using this mighty wisdom, I actually created my first flaky pie crust this holiday. With my new flaky pastry powers... I could make chocolate croissants, apple tarts, cream-filled... NO! Must resist!
I actually got some loot this Christmas. My mom told me she ran out of money before she could buy a present for me, but the joke was on me, there were a few gift cards for me under the tree. Also, a kazoo and a harmonica each for the boys. I luvs my mom.
Step 2: The best fat is lard because it's solid at room temperature. DON'T USE IT. Also don't use those extremely convenient pre-made pie crusts from the store that contain hydrogenated lard. You're a vegetarian. Some poor cow's cellulite is right out as a pie ingredient. (Don't ask me why I said 'right out' instead of some American idiom that I can't think of at the moment. Oh. Maybe that's why.) Also, don't use Crisco which works better than lard; it's too corporate and you're too cheap.
Step 3: Dust the butter with the flour and dribble some ice water over it. You may not mix the ingredients together. Thus is concrete formed. Use very harsh language instead. When they spontaneously cringe into fetal balls, put them into the refrigerator.
Step 4: Create the filling. Use sweet, juicy fruit, the better to make the crust soggy. That way some of the crust will be edible in the event the rest forms into concrete.
Step 5: Roll the dough balls into pie sized circles. Find some way to do this in the refrigerator.
Step 6: Assemble the pie and bake it. You're done!
Hah! Using this mighty wisdom, I actually created my first flaky pie crust this holiday. With my new flaky pastry powers... I could make chocolate croissants, apple tarts, cream-filled... NO! Must resist!
I actually got some loot this Christmas. My mom told me she ran out of money before she could buy a present for me, but the joke was on me, there were a few gift cards for me under the tree. Also, a kazoo and a harmonica each for the boys. I luvs my mom.
