cats and dogs

I've heard that people get dogs if they want loving companionship and cats if they have a more masochistic bent and wish to be servile and occasionally lacerated. Me, I do prefer cats, but I regret to report that it is because I like to abuse them. I confess to laying socks across their backs if they get too close while I'm folding clothes and to petting their paws even though I know that's not their favorite. The verbal abuse is constant and varied. Jones can't spend the day napping in a sunbeam on the foot of my bed without being informed that she is lazy and useless. I mock her when she runs around the house, chased by imaginary devils. I snicker when her grace and coordination fail her. I regularly inform her that her mottled beige and gray coat renders her the world's most boring kitty. As long as I scratch the back of her neck until she drools and feed her faithfully, she cares not a jot. How pathetic is that? What a sell out.