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[botias]

On the way to Portland the other day I was thinking about how I'm not very good at being friends, especially with other females. One problem that I'm aware of is that I tend to hook up with people who are more needy than I am; I feel safer that way. Insecurity: the root of many evils. Unfortunately, this very neediness inevitably drives me off sooner or later, hurting their feelings and making me feel guilty and lame. I think that's part of why I get along with guys better. They are less demanding in a lot of ways and a much better fit for my 'No really, I'd just as soon go to the bathroom by myself' personality. I'm also not a social person in general. To what extent I don't like socializing because I'm not good at it and am uncomfortably aware of it, and to what extent is just my nature, I do not know. I often feel like I should be more social when I think about it, but I doubt I will ever again make any efforts in this direction unless I feel a genuine desire for company. (Isn't there some pop-psych thing about 'shoulding' on yourself?) That's part of why I want to move closer to family. I enjoy hanging with a small number of people I'm very close to and I'm looking forward to being able to do this more often. What with having such a compatible mate from a very young age, I really haven't had much incentive to 'meet people' or polish my social skills. I'd be completely clueless if I were single which seems a little silly for a 28-year-old. I guess I would read back issues of Cosmo and do the best I could. Of course, at this stage I guess I would be a single parent, which I understand is the kiss of death, so maybe my only concern as a single woman would be which dildo was right for me. Cosmo could probably help with that too.

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[elynne.livejournal.com]

On the way to Portland the other day I was thinking about how I'm not very good at being friends, especially with other females. One problem that I'm aware of is that I tend to hook up with people who are more needy than I am; I feel safer that way.

;P

I think that's part of why I get along with guys better. They are less demanding in a lot of ways and a much better fit for my 'No really, I'd just as soon go to the bathroom by myself' personality.

That, and men are vastly less likely to want to talk about who's dating who, and where they got those cute shoes, and how many kids they want to have, and suchlike topics that hold exactly zero interest for me. Occasionally I'll overhear somebody at work or school say a typical female thing like "Oh, you got a haircut! It looks adorible! And that blue shirt is so cute!" I usually have a moment of vague discomfort realizing that I'd never have noticed the damn haircut or shirt, much less said anything about it, and then I remind myself that these people probably couldn't hold a sensible conversation about astrophysics or philosophy if their lives depended on it, and that cheers me up.

I'm a semi-social person; I'm an extravert, although for a long time I was a closeted extravert. Then I went through a phase where I was so extraverted it's kind of embarrasing to think back on it. These days, I'm comfortable either way; I can have fun at a party even if I don't know anybody there, but I'd just as soon stay home and knit.

Sometimes I miss the "bad old days" when I was sowing my wild oats with careless abandon. I always figured that you'd be the one running around having lots of relationships, but instead I ended up having to keep a list of people I've fooled around with so I wouldn't forget any of them. ;) Hunting for relationships is - exciting, and it does add a certain spice to life, but the in-between times are horribly depressing, stressful, lonely, and, well, depressing. Being in a poly relationship, I could theoretically go back on the prowl, but frankly my life is complicated enough right now. Heh, that's exactly what I need, isn't it... yet another relationship to try to work out in my copious spare time. :)